Inspiration
Articles to inspire authentic living on the topics of resilience, spirituality, and self-growth with touches of storytelling, depth, and humor.
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About Porcelain Dust and Happy Dances
Growing up - although if I do an open disclosure it has not changed much since then - I used to be a restless child. I had an excess of energy that I could barely contain. I am not sure if there is a scientific name for it but I would guess it would go by the name of JFWES or Jumping and Fidgety When Excited Syndrome. I was that kid that could sit for hours to do art projects, write, read, play music or study but when I was excited, I just jumped and had to move my whole body.
My mother, who is way more passive than I have ever seen, was smart enough to understand that what I had was a force that could barely be contained. So she being the cool mom she was, just let me be. That was until my display of energy had irreparable consequences.
The Waiting Room
It was scheduled to be a routine visit, a yearly check-up that fortunately proved that things were clear and well. I could not shook the mild anxiety that always invades me when having to go back. You would think that having grown between hospitals while following my workaholic-doctor parents would make it easier. It has not. I never liked hospitals.
This one, although beautiful and full of cheerful, kind staff, had been by far the hardest to visit. Seating in the waiting room, seeing kids battling cancer, some without a leg, without hair, in wheelchairs or walking with their chemo medicine hanging from a stand makes my stomach hurt. Then there are the parents, who have to remain calm for their kids, pretending life goes on as usual despite scary diagnosis. Nothing makes me suffer more that a hurting child and a broken-hearted parent that swallows their suffering for the sake of their kid’s hope. I can be a rock for so many things, but not for that.
The silence that spoke volumes
I took my car and drove in the middle of traffic to be near my daughter. The hospital was as most New York hospitals I have seen: overcrowded, noisy, modest, filled with a very diverse population. When I finally made it to the Emergency Room and after the security screening a nurse walked me through aisles full of patients and expecting relatives. She told me she was in bed #1272B. I was reading the numbered signs above each closed curtain but I could not see hers. The girl perceived my confusion and walked me to a printed sign next to the nurse station. “Here she is, ” she said without a trace of any apologetic tone.
Her bed was leaning over the side of the nurse station, a chair stuck on its foot and an IV placed behind her to avoid any of the patients or medical staff from tripping with it while they walk the narrow hall. I sat down on the chair and proceeded to ask the expected questions and to offer my love and compassion. Bed #1272B offered no privacy, however, it did gave me a frontal view of the gigantic screen where a spreadsheet showed the name and status of each of the thirty patients who were admitted at the time. More than half of those had Hispanic names.
The medical staff was as diverse as the population it served. An Indian doctor was speaking Spanish to the Dominican family that were accompanying the toddler they had brought. Behind the curtains in front of us was a tween girl screaming because she did not want to be tested for the flu and in between screams she started throwing up.
The art of setting free
Recently, I had a very interesting conversation with a woman from India. She is a very lively, entertaining person and the conversation, besides offering lots of opportunities for a good laugh, was filled with interesting and thought-provoking topics. At one point, she mentioned how her father died a couple of years ago from a chronic illness. I immediately said I was sorry, and I was, I am kind of familiar with that feeling. But she interrupted me with her incredible candor to say a word that was new for me but it resonated in my brain and my chest with the echo that important words carry…
“Moksha.”
Although my daughter makes fun of me because according to her I am buddhist-wannabe and for being a yoga aficionado, I had never heard that word.
The woman, with the same lightness she used when mentioning her kids’ anecdotes, explained the concept. She mentioned that her dad had moved on and in doing so he had been set free from his disease. At the same time, he had liberated his family of the responsibility of taking care of him while he carried the chronic illness, something they did out of the immense love they professed him. They were bound to his disease because of love. He was set free, emancipated from pain and that was a good thing. Moksha…what a beautiful, complex and selfless concept.
About honesty and pain and watching angels sleep
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend about how sometimes people choose not to tell truths to their loved ones because they are afraid of hurting them. For some reason, some words came through me and I expelled them without filter. The weight of them did not hit me until later. At that moment I told her: “We all have a different level of tolerance for the truth.”
That sank in me….deep.
Yesterday, I stayed a few seconds observing my three-year-old son while he was still asleep. That peaceful face, his cute lips, the way he puts his hands as if he was praying, the glow of innocence. My heart swelled while I rejoiced in the moment, thinking how much I love him and how I want to protect him from pain for the rest of his life. I did the same thing with my daughters too when they were younger but now they had grown and if they find me looking at them while they are sleeping they would probably scream, “moooom, creepy!” So I don’t do it anymore. However that desire to protect them has not evaporated. They have had their shares of pain, and for the most part, I had been completely unable to shield their hearts.