2022: Time To Unleash my Inner Child
by Alfonsina Betancourt
photo @myriamzilles
Sometimes we have plans that can dissolve like sand in our hands in a second. 2021 has been a trying year in so many aspects. Experience has shown me that we always experience a year of constant challenges in our lives' cycles, followed by a time of appreciated growth. I don't know how we ended up with two years back-to-back of continuous blows. I guess I can only speak for myself, but I am exhausted. I have been exhausted for a while, numb, and at times hopeless.
I am very fortunate to count on many blessings, and I am grateful for them. I don't take them for granted, and I make sure to show gratitude for the simple day-to-day gifts and the constant miracles in my life. Even in a year (or two) facing obstacles, we can always find silver linings that make us recover our optimism.
But, I had plans to close this year with the ceremonial thank-you-but-I-am-so-glad-you-are-leaving event. I love to host New Year Eve at my house and have several rituals to collectively say thanks for the year's lessons and decide what we don't want to drag moving forward. From a piñata with wishes to post-its on the wall from family and friends stating their gratitude to strolling outside with a suitcase manifesting lots of traveling on the new year.
And then COVID came, and it trumped our family plans for Christmas and NYE. Isn't ironic? I was desperate to say goodbye to 2021 with a bang and ended up letting 2021 haul me to the end. But again, I am the expert at finding silver linings. I have spent a lot of time alone in the last few days, which has allowed me to benefit from a long-delayed rest for my body, mind, and soul. I have had to look at my resolutions in an entirely different light in these quiet times.
Usually, I work on a list of resolutions, intentions, and wild dreams for the new year. After a special meditation, I send them to the Universe with the clear conviction of aligning my soul with my vision. This time, I had time to think more deeply about my list, and I realized that rather than writing a catalog of things I want to accomplish and dreams I want to come true, I tried to define WHO I wanted to be in 2022. The more I started writing ideas, the more apparent it became that I had already met that Alfonsina.
Me at 4
A collection of old photos appeared in front of me. Memories from when I was born and throughout my childhood started popping up, showing glances of a little girl that held many of the puzzle pieces of my life; of the talents I was going to develop; of the interests I was meant to cultivate; of the personality traits that would save me throughout my existence; of my chosen careers; of the kind of friends I like; of the values I would hold on tighter; of my life philosophies; of my sense of humor. These pictures held the clue of who I was going to become. The person I want to be in 2022, after a couple of years of challenges, growth, deceptions, and illusions, is the person I was as a child.
Living in the past is not exactly my go-to strategy. I strive to look at history with gratitude, but I like to live in the present without holding too many regrets or fixation on gone-times. So, when I looked at my childhood photos, I was not searching for evidence of better times. I was looking for my essence, the one we always show from an early age and tend to lose or disguise when we face heartbreaks, or we are led to believe that they prevent us from maturing. Among all the tribulations of the last couple of years, I realized that Inner Child that I have always prided in keeping alive has retreated to confinement that has suffocated her and affected the adult me. No challenge, no heartbreak, is worth exiling our Inner Child, the one person that holds all of the treasures of our soul.
As a little girl, I was so full of joy. I was fortunate to be raised in a household where joy was constantly praised as a lifestyle and as a way to affect our inner world and the world around us. That meant that I was free to explore my sources of joy, even if some of them differed from my parents'. I was encouraged to dream wildly in a world that was intrinsically good and generous; to use my imagination and creativity even it meant leaving messes everywhere; to sing and dance regardless of my talent; to invent stories, some on paper, some with words, and others as detailed scripts to be performed by my dolls; to explore my spirituality by providing a foundation where I could remain flexible about my own beliefs; to be encouraged to speak my ideas with respect while keeping an open mind; to navigate the unusual space between my need for introspection and need to be with meaningful people; to bring groups of people together to work or create. That was the young Alfonsina I remember, and fortunately, she gladly mirrors the adult version of a person that has worked tirelessly to remain authentic.
Then what happened? I have to admit that with the constant blows of the last two years, I had allowed many walls to come up to protect myself, to keep hurtful behaviors out, to manage -which means lowering- my expectations, to avoid facing truths, to numb myself. Has it been worthy? I am not sure, but it is hard to ask those questions when we are in survival mode. The thing is that the same way I was constantly impatient as a child, always needing constant stimulation and new projects to incite my imagination, my Inner child is tired of her cage. If I am committed to living authentically, my main goal has to be to free her.
That is how my new year's resolution list for 2022 got an upgrade. I am not focusing on a list of 20 accomplishments. I am mostly committing to bringing the essence of my inner child back, letting her lead the way. I want her infectious joy; her creativity and intuition; her trust in the goodness of the world; her conviction that anything is possible; her unwavering faith in a significant force that protects her and always has her back; she wants to get up from falls without worrying about scars, her constant production of ideas, her curiosity to learn and her desire to grow. As I face adult problems, I want to see them with the innocence I held as a little girl, the same purity and practicality I now see in my son's eyes, and that I want to make the impossible to keep alive. Life is hard; it will always be. But I want 2022 to be the clean slate where I unpack the piling of heartbreaks. I want to see every new challenge like a NEW challenge, not ANOTHER challenge. To remain curious, hopeful, and creative to respond to whatever is in front of me. I realize now that as a little girl, I thought the world was a wonderful place full of beautiful people. Well, it is time to show that child that regardless of all the difficulties, the world remains a magical place where I don't need to lower the bar for anyone or anything but instead raise the bar of my dreams. And just like in a doll's play, I get to manifest the characters and the actions, with a great smile on my face, not because there is no pain, but because regardless of the challenges, there will always be a star, an angel, a new story to write. I am not a fortune-teller to know what 2022 would bring for me, but I know what I would get to it: I would hold the hand of that little child that deserves - at last- to see her wildest dreams come true. You are free, little girl, so hold on to your joy because the future is a bright as you once imagine it. Smile, laugh, delight in each blessing because the cage is open. We will live this year as if it was a big game, and regardless of how much growth we endure, our essence will remain intact. Welcome home, my dear!
I hope your year is also filled with magic and joy!
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