The Connection Jackpot
By Alfonsina Betancourt
With my mom and sister celebrating my 8th birthday
Oh, the magic of Birthdays! I enjoyed them very much as a child: that anticipation of waiting for a special day, the gifts, the friends who plan little surprises, the celebration with loved ones. Now that I am an adult and reached an age where most people see birthdays as the inevitable evidence of aging, my perception has not changed much. I still love them! I get to celebrate that I have been alive for another full year, that I am wiser, that I am not the same person that I was 365 days ago, that I now know what I didn’t before.
As I recently celebrated another turn around the sun, I was bathed by a very generous amount of good wishes and heartfelt words. This year, what impressed me was how many messages were repeated across the board from different groups of friends and loved ones. They truly made me feel special (and ode to you all, givers of love and support!)
With my heart as complete as it was, feeling extremely lucky for the beautiful relationships that surround me, I got to reflect on the kind of connections that feed my soul. Because let’s be honest, we may have tons of friends, but not every tie makes our heart swell. So, what are the criteria? What makes an acquaintance move from “yes-you-are-fun” to “I-am-a-different-person-because-of-you”? What makes us want to go the distance to cultivate a relationship?
Maybe this will be the theme of this year for me, but I want to spend more time with meaningful people. I just don’t have as much energy to stay in places that don’t elevate me or support me.
How do I define who those people are worth keeping close to?
Photo @wildlittlethingsphoto
As I started finding patterns in my relationships, I found common denominators. What is important to me? It feels so good to know the answer.
Although most people might have different definitions of what an elevating relationship feels like, I am offering you my criteria as an example in hopes that you get inspired to find the criteria that help you manifest what you look for in the people surrounding you. These are the most important characteristics for me:
1. Intellectual Stimulation:
Photo @benwhitephotography
When we have conversations that light up our brains, where ideas come and go, we can discuss different points of view with the simple goal of opening our minds, where we wish we could take our journals out to write down concepts we later want to revisit and especially when a dialogue suddenly feels as a door opened showing us a new horizon we never knew existed; that is a connection that elevates us.
I have enjoyed incredible conversations with intellectuals, but the ones that make me feel “wow!” is when it is not so much about what we know but about our curiosity to learn, to discover. I feel grateful for all the connections that have offered me food for thoughts, especially those who are more like brainy banquets.
2. Deep, soul connection:
Photo @kellysikkema
I added this second because it is much more difficult to find. My absolute favorite is a relationship where you can open your soul and be completely vulnerable while having deep conversations that connect heart to heart. Sometimes, it only takes a few seconds to understand that deep connection, even if we have not crossed words. Other times, the pass of time and the slow sharing of our lives’ events start bringing us closer. I am personally not an oversharer, but I know my spirit has found a match when all I want to do is to spill what is on my soul, with its good and bad parts. Oh, what a blessing to find people who are willing to hear the song of our souls without judgment or without offering toxic positivism!
Another aspect of this, and as one of my friends says I need to use an astrological excuse and blame my Scorpio tendency, is our capacity to connect to others by engaging in deep, soul-moving conversations. When we go away from the surface and feel safe to reveal our spirit, we feel uplifted, supported, and seen in a way that cannot happen when we make casual talk. Soul bearers are my people!
3. Tears of Joy:
Photo: @heftiba
This characteristic is much more common but not less important to me. I love to laugh, and I do smile quite often. I love making jokes, and when I feel safe to do that with others, being me at my silliest, that is when my soul knows the right people surround me.
When my daughters started dating, that was one of my first pieces of advice: Find someone who makes you laugh. Life is hard, and we are bound to shed a reasonable amount of tears anyways, so having someone around who doesn’t take him or herself too seriously feels like a breath of fresh air. But from all the people who make us laugh until our belly and the back of our head hurt, my absolute favorite ones are the ones who have witty humor and can throw a gentle joke when I am crying. Am I crazy? Probably, but I know I am not the only one because I have met those people.
Not all of our connections can stimulate all the areas that are important for us. We may have friends with whom we laugh, others with who we have the most exciting conversations, and others who are on our speed dial when we need to have a soul-bearing moment. But some become our Connection Jackpot, those who hit and excel at our three most essential criteria. Those are the keepers; those are the ones that we know will always elevate our souls, the ones that leave a mark so deep in our spirit that even when we don’t see them often, we always remember with gratitude. I have hit this Jackpot several times; I am quite a lucky girl!
In some of my Circles, we have been determining the characteristics we want from our Tribe. There are more than three things on those lists. But finding the three most essential criteria for you will provide you with the filter you need to see who you should spend more time with and what connections you need to cultivate further. These are the people that will elevate you and bring out the best in you. These are the people that will allow you to be YOU! And when you are yourself, you will also become a gift to the world who gets to experience your most authentic, fascinating self while making stronger connections. Maybe some of those people will hit your connection jackpot for only a short period, and others will remain forever embedded in your path. Now in perspective, I have cried when I lost connections that now, in retrospect, did not offer any of the things I look more in a relationship. How many tears I would have saved if I had seen it from this perspective! Choose wisely, be open, don’t compromise on the things that are truly meaningful to you. And play fiercely. You deserve to win the jackpot! That was the gift I always dreamed of for my birthday, and I feel incredibly blessed that I have gotten it. It is the gift of meaningful connections, and it is my wish for all of you.
Photo: @homeschool