Of Kryptonite and Super Powers

By Alfonsina Betancourt

I had never been into superheroes. In fact, I despise them. I don’t like the idea of a character who is invincible. Call it Spider-Man, Batman, Jack Bauer, Jason Borne, or Jon Snow; if they survive the unsurvivable many times in a row, I lose interest in them (well, not in Jon Snow, but that is the exception). Of course, as life loves to play tricks on us and gives us a double dose of whatever we despise, I was blessed with a baby boy who loves superheroes. At three and a half, he is obsessed with them. One day he is a superhero; the next one, he is the bad guy. I like my character with flaws. The good ones have a dark side, and the bad ones never learn to deal with pain. And regardless of the side they identify most with, they will sometimes fail, and many times they will succeed. Life is not a string of constant achievements because everyone eventually falls down, a few steps down, a whole wall, or into the darkest abyss.

Regardless of our capacity to rise from our ashes, fear is a universal feeling that will eventually stop us in our tracks.. You are waiting for a diagnosis, you experience heartbreak, imminent change is approaching, there are more questions than answers, and you don’t want to open a door that leads you to an unknown path. There are a million reasons to feel the paralyzing effect of panic. So many times, we see ourselves as superheroes; we are in a constant battle to beat obstacles, and if we have been lucky enough to be spared many times, we start believing we hold superpowers that shield us from failure. We constantly repeat that good things will happen if we keep a positive mind. For some, the strength of their faith becomes the safety net that protects them from an evil fall. For others, constant planning gives them a sense of control. Many others believe the universe always has a master plan.

It does not matter what our pillars are, fear will cripple inside our blanket eventually and hug us with the strength of a boa constrictor. In those moments, it is so easy to question all our superpowers because if we were so courageous, we would not be defeated by such earthly kryptonite, right? But fear is natural. Fear is what protects us from great acts of stupidity. Fear is what makes us run when a threat is imminent. If you are attached to your superhero shield, just answer a question: have you ever loved with all your heart? Because nothing guarantees that we will be stricken with fear more than love does. Fear will always be present if you love somebody (or something). Fear that that person will not be there one day, that he or she will suffer, that you will not be able to protect them. Fear is always part of the equation if we love with all our hearts. 

So if fear is the kryptonite, then what is the superpower that defeats it? I know only one: vulnerability. I am sure I am not the only one that has gone through a lot of s…painful moments in my life. And when I felt my weakest, there was no power (supernatural or earthly) to help me overcome adversity better than vulnerability. It knows that I can be broken, bruised, heavily injured, when I can be on my knees when I can’t stop crying, when I start building myself up. It is by knowing that fear is inevitable that we regain our power because fear constricts, like the boa, but then when we see it straight to the eyes and tell him, “I know I am broken now, I know I can fail terribly, I know I can lose what I hold dearest to my heart but I will survive,” that is when fear loses its grip on us. It does not necessarily leave, it can be watching from afar. 

Vulnerability is, in a way, the anti-shield. It is like being naked of all protection. I always envision it as being dragged by a forceful river and suddenly deciding that we are not going to fight anymore, and the moment we calm down is when we discover we can float to the shore. Years ago, my husband fell 35 feet down from a climbing wall. The fall was so quick that he did not even have time to panic. On his mind, somebody was going to stop his rope just moments before he hit the floor on the best The Matrix style (I know, boys and their superpowers!) When he hit the floor, his ligaments and tendons got injured and took years to heal, but he did not break a single bone. When the doctors x-rayed his whole body, they told him that what saved him was The Matrix image he was playing in his head. He relaxed his body because he believed someone would save him at the last minute. If, on the other hand, he had been (naturally) overcome by fear, his body would have tensed up as a board, and he would have shattered many bones and probably not even survived. 

Some of my friends tend to tell me that I am very strong because I keep smiling even in the most difficult moments of my life. Those words make me smile because I know I am as human as I can be. I live with fear and with pain, with love and with hope in the master plan. Fear debilitates me but does not break me. My superpower: vulnerability. When I know I am weak, it is when I regain my strength back. So when my son wants me to read him his superhero book and surprises me by knowing the name of every superhero and every villain with its particular power, I imagine I could be in that book too. Not that I would make a very commercial superhero, but I know that no matter the kryptonite, I will rise after I fall, and sometimes I would lose too, and that would be OK, and even then, I will survive or how Maya Angelou would say, ” I'll rise.” In the meantime, I will enjoy how my son looks at me as if I were the real deal-maximum-invincible-super hero”. After all, that will change once he becomes a teenager and notices every one of my flaws. For now, all I have left is to pray that he does not make me dress as Cat Girl.